Movies That Will Probably Suck In 2008

Movies are awesome. Sometimes, however, a movie isn't awesome. Sometimes it should never have been made, and you shouldn't go see it (because it's a waste of money or you just want to protest). These movies have a high suckitude value, and this should serve as a warning to you all. If you still go and see them, that's your problem. The "Suck Scale" runs from 1-5, with 5 being amazingly bad.

Meet the Spartans
The spoof genre was funny once. Scary Movie was new, fresh and gave a new spin on satire. It proved to movie makers that if they insisted on producing garbage, that garbage would only become fodder for other movie makers. "Meet The Spartans" is not new or fresh or even novel. When does a spoof cease to be a spoof? When it makes fun of things that aren't even worth it and it is just trying to fill time. Whatever the case, this has the potential to be monumentally bad and likely will be in the theaters for a weekend or two.

Suck Scale: 5, This will be stupendously bad, don't even see it on video, it's toxic.

Rambo
Rambo was a scary dude. He terrorized baddies from the Pacific Northwest to Thailand and was a sensitive guy too, spending time in Buddhist monasteries after he was done dealing death. I don't think either of those guys would want to see this latest installment in the Rambo series. In this hopeful finale, our geriatric and crazy Vietnam veteran has to save a group of missionary hospital workers. No more POWs over there? Not too excited about seeing Sly huff and puff through a jungle and killing everyone he can see? Me neither

Suck Scale: 3, Don't get me wrong, this will suck, but the body count enthusiasts shouldn't be disappointed.
The Eye
Jessica Alba hasn't exactly distinguished herself lately. She's way more famous for being pregnant than for any of her cinematic work. That may work to her advantage, as Good Luck Chuck was pretty bad and may have ruined Dane Cook's career (time will tell on that). "The Eye" is a new American interpretation of another Japanese horror movie that recently distinguished Sarah Michelle Gellar's career. This one is a little too late as the tide has turned on these flicks. J-Horror isn't hot anymore, and neither is Alba.

Suck Scale: 3, This probably won't offensively suck, but suck it will.
Step Up 2 The Streets
First of all, what's the deal with the name? Were they only allowed to use four words in the advertising? Secondly, wasn't this movie made already (Save the Last Dance)? Just because it was in a different city with two different students does not make it a different movie. So, in summary, this is the same movie that was made six years ago, and it's still about dancing. Guess what I'm still not interested, oooh, you got served!!! Yep, still sounds stupid.

Suck Scale: 5, There is potential for monumental suckitude here. I'm excited!
Big Stan
I can't even believe this one was green lit. Can you imagine the pitch meeting? "Ok, Rob Schneider is going to be a weak willed con man, who upon finding out he is going to prison, hires a martial arts guru to make sure he can survive in prison. Then, once in prison, his martial arts will bring the warring gangs together in peace and harmony." Seriously, this movie got made? Well, Rob Schneider has to eat, right? Don't want to take food out of his mouth.

Suck Scale: 2, Schneider has always been mildly offensive to the senses, he continues that trend here.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Yes, of course Indiana Jones is one of the most profitable franchises ever. Yes, Harrison Ford was an amazing action star who did much of his own stunts and his studly everyman persona was great. Yes, George Lucas had a critical eye for movies and could be trusted to make great products. Yes, yes, that's all true, but don't forget that the last Indiana Jones movie was in 1989! All you need to know is that Ford, Lucas, and Indiana had a window to make this final movie. That window closed five years ago.

Suck Scale: 2, I hope it isn't is as bad as I expect it to be.
Starship Dave
Let's see. Eddie Murphy plays a spaceship who falls in love. Mmmmm yeah, right. Less said the better. Need some Eddie rent Raw, skip everything he's done since then.

Suck Scale: 5, If you want to see it , your movie watching privileges should be revoked.
Saw 5
The Saw franchise just keeps struggling along with more ways to kill. Soon enough we're going to see some Wile. E Coyote-type hijinks. People running off cliffs getting blown up by Acme bombs. Maybe that stupid little puppet could be hunting wabbit? Who knows, but what is known is that after five installments and another two supposedly in production do we really need more of this? Are there actually more traps these freaks have in store? Who cares.

Suck Scale: 3, Don't care enough to really hate this.

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Story by Larry Grodsky